Palm Desert, CA (PressExposure) July 10, 2009 -- Forgiveness is essential in this life. In order to move forward as quickly as possible and gain the benefits of forgiveness, you must be able to forgive yourself and others. If you are looking to reunite with your ex, forgiveness is a must or you won't be able to move on to a better relationship.
Forgiveness is also a key component in healing from a broken heart. Without forgiveness, you simply cannot completely heal. If you have not forgiven your partner and you get back together, all may seem fine at first, but soon things will turn sour, because deep inside you have not been able to forgive, which will limit your level of patience and understanding in the relationship. Silently, in the back of your mind, you are still holding anger, and whatever issues caused the break up will likely continue to have an effect on you, your partner and the relationship.
When you are in a position where you want to forgive, move on, and reunite with your ex keep these points in mind.
Put the incident into perspective.
Often times when we make a mistake that hurts someone we love, it is not intentional but rather a spur of the moment decision in which we were not thinking straight. This doesn't make it any better but keep in mind that maybe your partner just wasn't thinking clearly due to something else that happened that day or something that has been weighing heavily on his mind. Being pre-occupied and not thinking clearly is a common everyday occurrence that life hands us sometimes. Think of it as putting yourself in someone elses shoes.
One of ways to get things into perspective is to journal about the situation. However, what you focus on while journaling is extremely important to your success. -Journaling about the benefits you've gotten from a negative situation -- rather than focusing on the negative emotions you have, will help you to forgive and move on faster and easier.
Assess your feelings toward the relationship and then toward your partner.
Ask yourself if your relationship is greater than the incident that caused the divide. Is the incident really worth a break up if you truly feel you have the right person by your side? If you want to reunite with your ex and rebuild your relationship you have to answer this question honestly.
Take Ownership and Put your Pride aside.
If you are the one that has given the hurt you need to admit your mistake and own it. This is adult behavior and the right thing to do whether you want to reunite or not. If you do want to reunite with your ex and you are at fault for the pain caused you will have to correct the way you handle your problems and upsets in life.
If you are on the receiving end of the pain then forgiveness is what you need to own and to reunite with your ex you need to understand why they did what they did and if you had any part of it. For example: If your ex ended up having dinner with a woman from his past and didn't tell you, leaving you wondering about the rest of the night - was he trying to talk to you about his problem and you were constantly not available? Maybe he felt he needed to talk to someone that would not judge him so harshly and had a better chance of understanding his situation. Or maybe he just wanted to have female company and chat like in the old days. Are you too busy for him? Do you judge to harshly? Do your outings become boring and monotonous?
Handling an apology.
When your partner apologizes for the pain he caused do not throw the apology in their face. Do not turn the apology session into an argument. More than likely you have already had that argument, now it is time to regain your composure, and even though you may not be ready to forgive at that time, be honest with your feelings and let your partner know how they have hurt you and how it is affecting you.
One of the most common feelings with forgiveness is that often a person thinks if they forgive it will leave an opening for repeat offenses. Forgiveness is not the same as condoning and you must remember that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more so then the one being forgiven. It is so that you can move on, heal, and learn to trust again.
Safeguard yourself against people in your life who are repeat offenders, as they are usually worth forgiving only once and are not healthy to have in your life anyway.
Trying to forgive and letting go of your anger will enable you to forgive without opening yourself up to further abuse. It is not necessary to hold a grudge in order to safeguard yourself.
Reap the benefits of forgiveness - You certainly deserve them!
-Forgiveness is literally good for the heart. The Journal of Behavioral Medicine found forgiveness to be associated with lower heart rate, blood pressure and stress relief.
-Forgiveness has been professionally associated with strengthened spirituality, conflict management and stress relief. All have a significant impact on overall health.
-Forgiveness not only restores positive thoughts, feelings and behaviors toward the offending party, but the benefits of forgiveness spill over to positive behaviors toward others because it is associated with volunteerism, donating to charity, and other altruistic behaviors.
We know it is not easy to forgive when our parade has been rained on. But do your best to find the silver lining and gain the wonderful benefits of forgiveness. If you want to reunite with your ex, forgiveness will put things back in place, at which point you both have to fix what is broken that caused the pain, and reach for an even more powerful, firm and fulfilling relationship.